Drums. Holy Shit.
Above it all.
DDl Inspires
These “two boots” were made for walkin.
where do i get one?
(Source: killnix)
Destiny
Mood: Somber
Do you believe in destiny? Here’s an odd one for you if you do. Shadow of our parents destiny. Ok, so here’s my dilemma. My grandfather on my dad’s side was a drunk and a cheat. He never really did anything with his life other than have a crap load of kids who didn’t do much with their lives. One of which is my dad. My dad did a lot with his life, but he’s still an alcoholic. And now everything he did doesn’t amount to much because he only saw it as a job and not as an opportunity. So…now there’s me. It only goes back as far as my grandfather because I don’t know what my great grandfather was like.
Me. Am I destined to be a no one. A broke. Another soul in the sea. Or was I brought into the world to change the fate of my family name. To be the son who became something. The son who took a different road.
But maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m destined to be a failure too. I have no real passions in life. If I died tomorrow, the only part that would bother me about it would leaving people behind. Because I feel like I have a responsibility to people in my life. But what responsibility?
Some guy killed himself today in Glendale. Why? Maybe he was just done. Maybe he just thought, “Hey, in the world, I’m not gonna amount to shit. So…fuck it. Why waste time suffering.” It’s not like “God” is going to judge him. There is no registration sign in at the pearly gates of Heaven. You die, you die. Your brain just shuts off. Like a light switch.
That being said, there is a flip side to this lament. If death is just, death, and that’s it, no judge and jury, then who gives a fuck what you do. So I suffer on my $1000 a month. So I buy milkshakes. So I smoke cigarettes. So I drink my self retarded. So I buy a camera and I tell people, “I want to be a famous actor.” When? Fucking, right now. So I make a movie that sucks balls. But someone out there likes it. And they say, “You got some great big balls kid. It’s like you don’t give a fuck.” And I don’t. Because I’m gonna die one day and that’s it. No after life. No Heaven. No Hell. That’s made up bullshit by some fear mongering Neanderthals who were scared of their own mind’s ability to contemplate. Some early man said, “Shit, I can think shit, and see shit and have an opinion about it. This is scary, I’ll decide that it some other, bigger, guy who lives beyond where I can see, whom makes all the decisions for me. Yes, he is all knowing. He chooses my destiny.”
Retards.
By the way, that Neanderthal is dead now. Did he go to Heaven? No. Why? Because there wasn’t one yet. We hadn’t written the Bible yet. So where the fuck did he go?
Where do we go in this.
San Francisco can be warm at night even when the wind is blowing. All it takes are the warm golden lights sparkling down Fell while jazz music plays throughout the sky. I used to walk and some times drive around there. The financial district. City Hall. Powell. It’s like a dream now. Lost but not forgotten. And what resonates the strongest with me is how I felt. How romantic it all seemed. How badly I wanted to live in that moment forever.
Now I’m in LA. I don’t recognize those moments as clearly. I feel lonely. I feel lost and not yet remembered. I keep crawling towards something that I know I want, but it scares me to visualize. Maybe because I think that once I do, it will lose it’s mystery and become something concretely uncertain.
Am I afraid to admit who I am? Am I afraid to want so much more? Am afraid to really try and get it? Am I afraid to tell people I’m afraid? Or should I keep that to myself?
I have to scream it. I have to know it. I have to want it and be sure of it. Even though I don’t have it.
All I wish is that my mom was still here to reassure me everything will be ok. Everything will work out. But I don’t have her here any more.
So it’s just me.
I’m to reassure me of myself.
I’m an actor. And that’s great.
A!!
